From the Brilliant Mind of Tyler Tarver

Sometimes, I scour the internet looking for something funny to read or watch.  I can’t remember how I found Tyler Tarver’s Blog but 9 out of 10 times, I literally laugh out loud.  Be sure to swing by and check out his blog, especially the page marked “Before I’m Burger” and “Taste Test” (it’s not what it sounds like).

Tyler had a new book out called “Words & Sentences” which I can’t to get my hand on.  Without any further ado here is man of the hour:

Not only am I honored to be on Brad’s wonder winter wonderland (www.), but I’m also honored. I hope I don’t let you down like an escalator.
I know most of Brad’s posts are inspirational and moving, so I thought I would stay true to that and cover one of the most important topics one can beheld. (Behold? Behind? Behemoth?): My Zombie Apocalypse Team.
Last night, way ahead of when I should’ve gotten this to Mr. Shim, I was trying to think of what to break down and enlighten everyone with, when this little Zombie Apocalypse Team popped up like a burning bush for irrelevance.
Here’s my team.
Sidekick: Jesse Eisenberg – Not only does he have the experience, but his state of constant panic will help everyone else stay chill. The rule is: You don’t have to freak out if someone is already doing that.
Heavy Weapons: Bruce Willis – I’ve never seen a movie where he didn’t shoot 3 people before the end of the trailers. His voice/bald combo alone serves enough intimidation to make a foaming dog start a strict diet of warm milk.
The Idiotic one who Survives: Ashton Kutcher – Some people thinks his hair/face/height keeps him employed. Nay little horsey. His scream is what gets him a movie. Seriously, try to think of a movie where he didn’t raise his voice and shake his head. He’s like a Shaggy from Scooby Doo, but instead of a dog he’s got an old woman and a new role on a crappy show.
The Brains: Jeff Goldblum – He acts and talks the way I would assume a Master’s Degree would talk. That, and at this point he has to own at least 3 velociraptors.
The First to Die: Hayden Christensen – Only cause any movie he makes it more than 5 minutes goes down the tube faster than Mario on Level 8.
That’s my team, what’s yours?

Tyler Tarver is a high school math teacher but also enjoys throwing rocks. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shutup about titled Words&Sentences that 4 people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.” He’s not as attractive as you, but he sure does love you.

Tediously created from my eye phone
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8 thoughts on “From the Brilliant Mind of Tyler Tarver

  1. My team:
    Andrew Lincoln from the Walking Dead – that guy is a great leader and he’s really lucky when it comes to escaping them.
    Sylvester Stallone – I liked that you went with Bruce but Sly is 152 years old and he is still killing people on screen. Did you see Expendables? He broke his neck filming that and kept on filming.
    Aziz Ansari – he’s funny in everything he does and would add some laughs to this zombie apocalypse.

  2. There’s gotta be a Zack in there some place. Effron? Galafianakis? Can’t decide. Let’s take Braff, he’s as bad looking as Effron and as unfunny as Galafianakis. He can be the guy who narrates what you’re thinking.

  3. Pingback: Zombie Apocolapse Team | tylertarver.com

    • I like your thinking, Tor. Just remember, if the team must split up at some point, go with Chuck, because guys who are not Jack Bauer but are also in the frame tend to die to show us how hardcore Jack is. You don’t wanna be that guy. Also, we should take Chloe along, because she can probably hack us a government satellite with a smartphone and some tinfoil to get us some air support (killing zombies with space-based lasers, maybe), and she always survives.

      Sidekick: I’m taking along Will Smith, because he has fought aliens, robots, and zombies. And he’s so clearly major character materials that no one will accuse you of plannning a “black guy is the first to die” moment for bringing him along.

      Heavy weapons: Adam Baldwin. He can bring Vera. And grenades. It’d be good if we had a grenade right now, don’tcha think? Also, he has the martial arts experience as Casey on Chuck, for when the bullets run out.

      Married men are obligated to take their wives along, but us single folk need to plan a love interest into our team. Just being practical, in case we have to repopulate the earth or something after destroying all the zombies, you know. I’m totally taking Summer Glau as mine, because she’s very good looking, a nice person by all accounts, and can take out an entire room of cannibalistic psycopaths by herself while starting out unarmed, so zombies should be no problem for her. Also, she was a killer robot in Sarah Connor Chronicles. Mine. All mine. You can’t have her.

      The Idiotic one who survives: Paris Hilton. Admit it. If there was a zombie apocalypse, Paris and her purse dog would totally come through alive and no one would understand how. She’d also probably be responsible for the first to die in some way. But the dog might possibly save your life somewhere in there, by alerting you to zombie approach or something, so there is that.

      First to Die: I considered Richard Simmons, but really, what zombie could ever catch that hyperactive little fitness instructor? On the other hand, second to die could work for him. Maybe he’d get mobbed from all sides while running circles around the zombies that caught the first one yelling “Do you know how many calories are in the average human body? That’s going to go straight to your hips. Not to mention the cholesterol in that brain. Now let’s do some jumping jacks a one and two and three and four now run in place get those knees up….”

  4. Pingback: My Zombie Apocalypse Team | tylertarver.com

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